Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sudan Bans Entire Alphabet, Mathematics

Khartoum, Sudan - Amidst rumors that the neighboring Muslim country of Saudi Arabia is considering banning the letter "X" for it's resemblance to the Christian symbol of the crucifix, the Republic of the Sudan has preemptively decided to ban the entire alphabet as well as mathematics.

When contacted for an explanation for the rash decision, Minister of General Education: Hamid Muhammad Ibrahim had the following to say: "We are not going to let the infidels corrupt us. We will not stop with merely banning the letter "x," we will ban all letters because they could carry the message of the infidels."

In addition to the stunning and baffling move to ban the entire alphabet, the Minister of Education also made a move to ban mathematics, namely for the striking resemblance of the plus sign ("+") to the crucifix("†"). It is not sure how this move will affect the Sudanese economy. Market forecasters around the world are predicting that this move will shoot the Sudan even further into the crapper, monetarily speaking.

As for the banning of the alphabet, it is predicted that the influence on the Sudanese people will be negligible due to the fact that most of them are illiterate.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Atlanta Man Sues Recycling Giant, Waste Management, for Being Racist

Atlanta, GA - Lamarr Johnson, an African American resident of Atlanta is suing the company Waste Management for being racist. According to legal documents filed by Johnson and his lawyer, David Manischewitz, the company routinely attempts to segregate elements of its business. "Every day I went into work I had to see signs on bins that said 'White Paper Only'. It's wrong." said a distraught Johnson. Manischewitz had the following comments: "We will not accept this behavior from companies. This is the year 2007, not 1807. Segregation is wrong in any form."

A spokesman from Waste Management, Inc. told reporters that they are "taking this case very seriously." Then he turned his head and snickered for two full minutes. After regaining his composure he went on to explain that the company recycles white paper separately because it can be made into more paper, as opposed to other types of paper, cardboard, etc. that can only be recycled into other products such as ceiling tiles and insulation. This statement caused many protesters gathered around to boo and start chants of "Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Recycling has got to go!"

A court date is set for April the 17th, but speculators are saying that a settlement could be reached by late February.

For an example of the signs in question, check

Friday, January 12, 2007

Home School Kid Tops Honor Roll

Bedston, FL - Waves are being made in the small, suburban town of Bedston. Here, where academics rule over athletics, the Honor Roll is the high water mark of academic achievement and the high water mark from last years flooding. Sitting at 4 and a half feet above the floor in the office of Bedston Middle School's principal Collin Schrader, the Honor Roll has long been a sign of prestige among the residents of Bedston.

"I remember being on the Honor Roll all throughout my years of middle school." says town doctor Harvey Mitchell. "It was a great honor, indeed." Some, however were not so lucky. Derrick Cox, who is generally known around town for being a lowlife scum says that things weren't always this way. "I was one point away from being on that [expletive deleted] Honor Roll. If it weren't for that damned Stephanie Gibson making a 91 on that algebra test, I would have been on the Honor Roll. But now my life has spiraled down until I've hit rock bottom."

With so much riding on this list, is it any wonder that the townspeople are up in arms over local home school kid Jimmy Foster topping the Honor Roll at his school? "This is an outrage. Are we going to let our school kids be compared to this kid? We don't have anywhere near the budget that they do." said one person. [It should be noted here that the operating budget for the school district that includes Bedston is nearly $3 million and Mrs. Bedston has to buy supplies for lessons at the local dollar store.] "There is only one Honor Roll, and that is at Bedston Middle School. We don't take kindly to these people just whimsically creating Honor Rolls." said another person.

When asked for comments on the Honor Roll that Mrs. Foster created for her home school, principal Schrader had the following to say: "I understand Mrs. Foster's desire to make her son feel like he's a normal kid, but we have traditions to maintain here at BMS. We just can't have people going around and making Honor Rolls on a lark. What if everyone made an Honor Roll for their kid? No one would know who was actually supposed to be honored."

Mrs. Foster is having difficulty with the reactions that she has received from the community. "I mean, Jesus Christ people! I just wanted to make my kid feel good about all that he's accomplished. Shit, he could beat any of these other twerps at any subject, any day of the week except Wednesday when he takes his naps."

In reaction to Mrs. Foster's comments, an academic challenge between Jimmy Foster and BMS' reigning Honor Roll topper, Melissa Howe, has been proposed. The matter is up for public discussion at tonight's Town Hall Meeting and Chili Cook-Off. "I think that this Town Hall Meeting and Chili Cook-Off will give the people a chance to clear the air about this issue and get out any ill winds that they may have about what is happening. It will be a cathartic evening for all." said town Mayor, Stanley White.

Will this issue tear the small town of Bedston apart? Will it draw a dividing line between the Foster's and the rest of the citizens? Can a compromise be reached? Only time will tell us the answers to these questions. However, little Jimmy Foster had this to say: "Are you people retarded? Yeah, I'm at the top of the Honor Roll that my mom made, but I'm also the only name on the list, so I'm also at the bottom of the list."

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Earth Still Round

Earth - As our eyes once again turn towards the heavens amidst all of the commotion and scandal of Pluto being declassified as a planet, people have been questioning other facts that have long been regarded as "true." Questions are being raised. Is Black actually White? Is White actually Black? Does it matter to Michael Jackson which one you are? But most importantly, the question is being asked: "Is the world actually round?"

The Greek mathematician, geographer, and astronomer Eratosthenes was the first person to calculate the circumference of the Earth sometime in the third century B.C. He was also known for liking it "Greek Style." This information was lost some time in the Dark Ages and the notion that the world was round became grounds for giving the person that had that notion a good, old-fashioned stoning. Or, to put it in modern parlance, to go "Medieval on their ass." The issue came to the forefront in the late 1400's when a drunken Chris Columbus bet that he could sail around the world because it was "as round as Queen Isabella's ass." The king, humored by Chris' description, took him up on the bet and proceeded to give Isabella "the Royal Treatment" in their chamber. As a historical note, a chamber maid is said to have heard Ferdinand say "It's good to be the king" right before smacking Isabella's globe-shaped bottom.

Now, with the Plutonian debacle, people everywhere are once questioning this precept. Math teachers are in hysterics. "How are we supposed to teach the kids with people questioning the roundness of the earth?" asked Mary Asymptote, a 10th grade geometry teacher. The problem is not just limited to high school, but has permeated every level of education. One kindergarten teacher reported events of youngsters trying to put the round ball into the square hole in their Playskule "Shapes and Colors" toys.

Marcus Radicand, a noted mathematician, squelched the worries of an angry mob outside his office on the campus of M.I.T. (Midland Institute of Technology). The noted number wizard was quoted as saying "Now listen here you mental midgets. The world is round. The world has always been round and will always be round. Now get off of my petunias. They're arranged in a very nice Fibonacci sequence."