Friday, January 12, 2007

Home School Kid Tops Honor Roll

Bedston, FL - Waves are being made in the small, suburban town of Bedston. Here, where academics rule over athletics, the Honor Roll is the high water mark of academic achievement and the high water mark from last years flooding. Sitting at 4 and a half feet above the floor in the office of Bedston Middle School's principal Collin Schrader, the Honor Roll has long been a sign of prestige among the residents of Bedston.

"I remember being on the Honor Roll all throughout my years of middle school." says town doctor Harvey Mitchell. "It was a great honor, indeed." Some, however were not so lucky. Derrick Cox, who is generally known around town for being a lowlife scum says that things weren't always this way. "I was one point away from being on that [expletive deleted] Honor Roll. If it weren't for that damned Stephanie Gibson making a 91 on that algebra test, I would have been on the Honor Roll. But now my life has spiraled down until I've hit rock bottom."

With so much riding on this list, is it any wonder that the townspeople are up in arms over local home school kid Jimmy Foster topping the Honor Roll at his school? "This is an outrage. Are we going to let our school kids be compared to this kid? We don't have anywhere near the budget that they do." said one person. [It should be noted here that the operating budget for the school district that includes Bedston is nearly $3 million and Mrs. Bedston has to buy supplies for lessons at the local dollar store.] "There is only one Honor Roll, and that is at Bedston Middle School. We don't take kindly to these people just whimsically creating Honor Rolls." said another person.

When asked for comments on the Honor Roll that Mrs. Foster created for her home school, principal Schrader had the following to say: "I understand Mrs. Foster's desire to make her son feel like he's a normal kid, but we have traditions to maintain here at BMS. We just can't have people going around and making Honor Rolls on a lark. What if everyone made an Honor Roll for their kid? No one would know who was actually supposed to be honored."

Mrs. Foster is having difficulty with the reactions that she has received from the community. "I mean, Jesus Christ people! I just wanted to make my kid feel good about all that he's accomplished. Shit, he could beat any of these other twerps at any subject, any day of the week except Wednesday when he takes his naps."

In reaction to Mrs. Foster's comments, an academic challenge between Jimmy Foster and BMS' reigning Honor Roll topper, Melissa Howe, has been proposed. The matter is up for public discussion at tonight's Town Hall Meeting and Chili Cook-Off. "I think that this Town Hall Meeting and Chili Cook-Off will give the people a chance to clear the air about this issue and get out any ill winds that they may have about what is happening. It will be a cathartic evening for all." said town Mayor, Stanley White.

Will this issue tear the small town of Bedston apart? Will it draw a dividing line between the Foster's and the rest of the citizens? Can a compromise be reached? Only time will tell us the answers to these questions. However, little Jimmy Foster had this to say: "Are you people retarded? Yeah, I'm at the top of the Honor Roll that my mom made, but I'm also the only name on the list, so I'm also at the bottom of the list."

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